Seal and Hedi have ended, what most Hollywood insiders consider, a very romantic marriage. Seal announced the reason, "We have grown apart". What does that mean? A marriage is the joining of two people together and a commitment to stay together until death.

Will there be times that issues arise, yes. Will there be times you are on different sides of the argument, yes. Will there be times that you feel a little stale, yes. All of us feel those emotions from time to time and find that if we get over our needy selves the marriage continues to grow in depth of love.

If this statement is true then the marriage vows were never understood or were mere lip service. Growing together is an act of intention, it is Loving On Purpose.  Whether you are a star or a regular person we all have and need independence to pursue our work or hobbies or passions, they are part of what attracted us to our spouses. Being married does not kill our individuality, it means we have someone to share our wins and losses with, someone who knows us so well that they support us so that we become inter-dependant not independent.

In that state of inter-dependency you find yourself saying to yourself, "this could only better if she/he were here to share this moment with me". Loving On Purpose means you cannot grow apart because you grow together, in sickness or health, for richer or poorer and your love grows for the other person as you give your love to them.

Good friends of mine recently married for the second time each and in front of a very large crowd they said this as they placed the ring on the others finger, "with this ring I set you free to be the best person you can be". There is no growing apart, there is only being so self centered that you stop loving the other person with intention, and you ask the question what am I getting out of it. Love is never about what you get out, it is always about what you put in.

"May you feed a hungry world through me; I then shall live as one who's been forgiven."

This lyric is from Gloria Gaither's anthem I Then Shall Live. If you are in a church choir you need to add this to your repertoire. A literalist would read this and say we need to feed people but I think Gloria had a much grander vision.

We live in a world where people line up at stores, overnight, in all kinds of weather, just to acquire the latest smart phone as soon as it is available. The crazy aspect of this is they already own a smart phone. Our need to be connected is now only satiated by speed. Can you get my text at the speed of light? 4G....5G....20G. At this pace the next quantum step will be to receive my text before I even think it! Yet we are more alone than ever before. We hunger to be connected.

In North America alcohol and drug abuse has increased faster than population growth. Obesity is at epidemic levels. All of these abuses occur when we are trying to fill our lives with something we do not have. For some reason we think will satisfy our perceived lack with comfort. We are hungry for meaning.

Divorce used to happen to someone you knew, now it happens to family members. Go to my website and watch the divorce counter click over. There are many reasons for divorce but if you looked at the common element it would be I am not happy with what I am getting out of my marriage. We hunger for love.

If you add all of the time we spend watching sports or TV dramas or so called reality shows or searching the web, reading anything other than books of learning, any time we spend observing rather than doing, we are living our lives through others.  We hunger for our identity.

I will leave the religious implications of the solution to others. For me the simple answer to all of this hunger is love. Love is an inside job. You need to love yourself before you can love others. We wrongly look for our connection, our meaning, our identity, our love from others. The simple truth is only when we love on purpose, when we love with intention, when we give ourselves away, when we love unconditionally, we find connection and meaning and identity and love.

Why would you wait one more second to make the behavior change you need to make to enhance your life and that of every one around you?  When you love on purpose, the person you will heal the most will be yourself.

New Years resolutions, have you broken yours yet? Why are these promises to ourselves so hard to keep? Would you be interested in a resolution which you can keep and will lead to better sex in your marriage?

Behavior change is the key to keeping a resolution. If you are trying to quit smoking or loose weight you have to make a behavior change and develop new habits. For some it is as easy as eliminating sweets from your house and removing the temptation. Others fight the smoking urge by exercising instead. You have to change your response to the stimulus which leads to the bad habit. You have to become intentional, and you have to reinforce the intention with an action you can repeat until the action becomes a habit and your behavior has changed.

Long term marriages develop some habits which, if left to fester, are a prime cause of marriage suicide. Here is an example. You are the second one home at the end of the work day.  Slamming the door on the way in, focused on the frustration of the day of work, you head straight for the booze and gulp down that first drink thinking the alcohol will provide the relief you require. Everyone has heard the noise of your dramatic entrance and your spouse calls out how was your day. The snarling, negative, bitching response, reminiscent of recent Congressional "debates", washes over your spouse like a tsunami of garbage, from which there is no escape.

How do you think your spouse feels, but more importantly, how do you feel? Forget all that junk psychology about get it off your chest and you will feel better, sharing a problem makes it easier to handle, or, and in my opinion the worst assumption, because you are my spouse I can dump all over you. Repeating the issues, the perceived injustice, simply reinforces the problem, both consciously and sub-consciously, and leaves a bitter taste in both your mouths. Cue the behavior change.

When you come home, walk in the door as if this home is your sanctuary. Go and find your spouse immediately, hold them in your arms and tell them the truth," Coming home to you is the best thing that happened to me today!" What do you think their response will be to the tsunami of love vs garbage coming their way?  How will your act of Loving On Purpose change how you feel about your frustrating day? This changes everything. Rather than brooding on the issues you can be focused on loving your spouse, the most important activity in your life, and the issues will resolve themselves.

Loving on Purpose in this fashion every day will change you and your spouse and your family. The positive focus you bring to work the next day will solve issues on the job, and work will be more fun. Oh yes, about the sex part, the new level of intimacy you achieve will make the sex more frequent and intense. Isn't that worth the change in behavior and the best resolution you could make.

What is a mistake?  When Newt was asked about his previous marriages he responded, "It was a mistake, I am 68 and a grandfather now." Politically a great answer because there is no where for the media to go but was it a mistake?

When you stand in front of a group of people and commit to someone for the rest of your life - that is an intentional act of love. When you cheat on your spouse that is also an intentional act. If you do something with intention, knowing that there will be an outcome from those actions how is that a mistake?

I suppose the first time you behave in this fashion you might call it a mistake but when you do it a second time is it still a mistake? A mistake is when you turn left instead of right, when you try to do something right and it turns out wrong, when you add 1 plus 1 and come up with 3,  those are mistakes. When you do something with thought and intention to satisfy your own desires, that is not a mistake that is a demonstration of your character. If you will cheat on the most important commitment you make, at least twice, how can you represent the type of leader we need in the most important country in the world right now?

Loving On Purpose is not just a mantra it is a way of life. This simple act lifts others up and infuses every one around you to try harder to be better. Isn't that what the world needs right now?

The province of Ontario has recently introduced new rules allowing schools to suspend students for bullying. On the surface this seems like a great idea but let me ask a simply question, if the bullies are not in school where are they? Perhaps an even better question is, who are they with? Sorry, one more question, what will they learn?

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist so I may be completely wrong but having coached baseball and hockey for 15 years at a very competitive level I have observed this; bullies come in two shapes and sizes. They come from homes where there is no love, frequently from a home with an absent father, and they feel so empty inside that they try to take their happiness by making others feel as afraid and lonely as they are. The opposite is also true, bullies come from homes where parents give their children everything the child wants including the idea that everything they say, think and act out is okay. These children do not value anything since every thing has been given to them and they value no one else since they believe they never do anything wrong.

So we suspend them from school and they go right back into the environment which fosters their bullying and they are out of school with the other bullies!!!!!

The best investment we can make in our children is to be their parents. We give them what they need and make them earn what they want. We love our spouses with intention and on purpose so the family dynamic demonstrates what love is and none of our children are empty. Most importantly we keep all the bullies in school longer than the other students because we have to tear down the lessons they have learned about hate and teach them how to love.

We jump so quickly to the penalty phase, kick them out of school when they are young, build more prisons as they get older, and this does not work. If it did we would have fewer criminals every year. Albert Einstein said, (paraphrased) you can not achieve different results using the same thinking that put you in your current situation.

Dare to be different. If more than half of marriages end up in divorce be different, make yours work. Love On Purpose not by chance. Do not be an absent parent, be intentional. Fill your child with love and responsibility so they are not empty looking to bring others down and help build their values so they look to build value in others. Do not leave your child to be raised by the system, it is very clear the school board does not have a passing grade.

There is a court case in Ontario where a Muslim father is accused of arranging for the death of his ex wife and daughter. In our culture we assume that an individual is innocent unless proven guilty, however in this instance the father has admitted to the killing. His defense appears to be that the daughter would not submit to his wishes about how to dress and how to act and how to think so she had dishonored the family and the only solution was death.

I have a daughter who does not always agree with me but whipping her, or stoning her, or torturing her by mutilating her genitals, or killing her are not options. She is a human being, a citizen of Canada. She lives in a free democratic society which protects the rights of every individual so she is free from the fear of having different opinions and actions as long as they do not infringe on the rights of others. Most importantly, I love her unconditionally. I love her on purpose. I love her with intention. I care for her health and happiness and even if it pains me, she has the right to find her own way and I will support that right.

It is not an accident that the United States and Canada do not have citizens lined up to leave for another country. Our countries believe in individual freedoms which apply to every one, regardless of color of skin, gender, religion, beliefs or race. What we believe is so simple, yet so profound we occasionally forget and we retreat to the political extremes where there seems to be no voice of reason but when required we stand together to fight for our right to disagree.

Finding a way to improve the future for our families is the dream of every North American. That is why our parents or grandparents moved here. They Loved On Purpose, they went into the great unknown, took great risks and some failed, so that their families would have better lives. That dream is still the dream of the millions who stand at our borders wanting in.

Canada's Thanksgiving was last month and the American Thanksgiving was this past weekend. Let us give thanks to those brave enough to build these great countries for the families they believed in. Why not make a deal with those you celebrate with, a promise to Love On Purpose, a commitment to rebuild our families with intention and to honor those who went before us so that we are free to do so.

If these truths are not self evident to you then you have our permission to return home to the lands from whence you came, where maiming and killing your daughters is acceptable, where an educated woman frightens men so much they cut out her tongue or poke out her eyes. Countries where you can not choose your leaders or consider thinking different thoughts with out fear of death, please go back there.  We will not stop you.

Are you committing marriage suicide?  I heard this story first hand. A woman married a control freak, not on purpose. Sometimes we become confused with what we think is constant adoration when in fact the person who acts that way has very low self esteem and all they are trying to do is protect themselves by owning their asset.

After many years of marriage the mental cruelty became so difficult that she looked for a relationship in the arms of another man for a simple reason, she just wanted some one to love her.  She started leaving clues, subconsciously of course, so that her controlling husband would find out and end the marriage. This is an example of marriage suicide.

Of course the outcome was not what she expected. After he held her upside down over the railing from the second floor and threatened to drop her unless she stopped, she realized that she was going to have to take charge and end the marriage properly.

This is an extreme example of course and there are many less dramatic, but equally successful actions. Picking a fight with your in-laws, having coffee with a group of women who constantly belittle their husbands, not making an effort for birthdays or anniversaries, finding other things to do instead of coming home after work, there is a never ending list which will give your spouse the message. So why do we cut all of these strands which together bind a marriage?

Sometimes the divorce needs to happen, as in the first example. Most of the time we find ourselves in bad habits, we do not want the marriage to end, we have just stopped Loving On Purpose. We start to ask ourselves what are we getting out of the marriage instead of what are we putting in. When that happens, when those selfish moments grind away at us, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence and we start the little subversive actions which make it easier and easier to jump the fence. That is marriage suicide.

There is a cure and all you have to do is make a small behavior change, start Loving On Purpose. Remember what you did when you were dating and put the same enthusiastic effort forward. Why wait for tomorrow? Start today, right now. The marriage suicide you prevent may be your own.

My Dad was a Baptist Minister for most of his working life. His last church was his longest pastorate, 27 years. This was also the church where we held his memorial service fifteen years after he retired. I have written about him in the past, but I wanted to add more to the story.

My mother assumed that not many people would come because he had been retired so long, who would remember. If fact the church was packed and not just with members from his most recent church, people from many of his former churches attended. One lady checked herself out of hospital, three buses and 12 hours later, arrived in time for the ceremony. She could not stay because she had to catch a return bus to take her back to the hospital. A couple came through the receiving line three different times to tell me three different stories about how Dad impacted their lives. There were over 400 people there so you can imagine how long they had to wait.

This summer Pat and I attended a music and worship camp at Green Lake Wisconsin. There was a very familiar face, a woman who was volunteering there, she had attended two of my Dad's churches and was at his memorial. Dad touched so many people because he Loved On Purpose. He did not just do it because God told him to or it was expected because he was a minister, it was how he lived his life and it is how we should live ours.

Please understand I am not bragging with these words, I am setting context. Many people have responded to me that they find Loving On Purpose difficult because they do not know how to start. Let me give you an example which recently came to mind about my Dad. He was forever taking courses on how to be an effective counselor. The best always strive to be better. One series of courses was at a psychiatric hospital. After each class, once a week for many months, he would head down a long hall way to the parking lot.

During one of his departures he passed a lady in a wheel chair who completely ignored him when he stopped to say hello. The next week she was there again and he stopped talked to her and she ignored him. Week after week this happened until one time she smiled at him and grunted, she was not capable of more. Dad came home and told us the story at dinner time that night, he was so excited that she wanted to communicate with him. He never saw the other side, that all his work, his stopping week after week even when there was no response, his loving on purpose was what caused that moment in her.

Surely it is much easier to spend an extra moment loving our spouses. We will get more than a grunt back and the amount of love in you will grow in direct proportion to the love you give. A mentor of mine in my business used to say," If it is to be, it is up to me!" Marriage is like that, it always gets better when you put more into it. Love On Purpose with your spouse and you will change the world around you.    

On a recent vacation I played one of the top golf courses in the world. (I will not name the course to protect the identity of the subject in this blog.)  Normally four golfers play together but there was only 2 of us and our 2 caddies for this round. As the groups in front were all foursomes there were many moments when we stood and waited for our turn.

Inevitably the "what do you do" question came up and the questions started when I revealed I had written a book called Love Your Wife Get Better Sex. All of a sudden my playing partner had his phone out texting his wife and she was asking questions through him.  At one point she suggested he quit golfing and start taking notes, and we all had a good laugh.

There was one particular moment however that shocked me. I am used to people being very candid with the information they reveal to me but only one on one. This chap, with both caddies standing there said that his wife had had an affair a few years ago and they were working through it. One of the things he had done was to have a few one night stands to get even. I tried so hard not to look at the caddies but I did and they were stunned. As a caddie you hear a lot of chatter but clearly this was beyond normal.

I was quiet for a minute because I wanted to hear what he would say next. He asked if that behavior was appropriate. My response was no and so was the caddies, one married and one not. Of course he asked why and I responded," there is no score card in a marriage, no one has to get even because a marriage is not about what you get out it is about what you put in. Love is what you give to your spouse, with out measuring what you receive back."

Not sure he completely understood I related love to golf and asked him, "When do you feel the most emotion about golf?" He responded," when I am playing. I think about golf went I am not playing but my emotional enjoyment goes up when I am playing even if I am playing poorly."  "So your love for the game is in the act of playing not the reward you get out of playing," I asked. "You have seen me play today so you know I have a lot of bad shots, but I am still really excited about being here," he said. "Marriage is like golf. You commit to it, you think about it when you are not face to face and when you are together, the love you feel when you play, when you Love On Purpose, increases regardless of the out come" I commented.

Humans are funny; we feel the best every time we put our best effort forward. Work, play or marriage it does not matter the more effort, the more love you give, the better you feel. Try today, make one little change and love your spouse on purpose.

Do you get tired of the continual confrontation which seems to invade all aspects of our lives? My wife likes to watch the design shows on television. As I watched a few with her I realized the format was the same, everyone starts out happy with the project, then there is a crisis, then a resolution and everyone is happy again. This same formula works in books, movies and most television shows, but it does not work in real life.

In real life we do not have a script to work from. No one knows what the out come will be and during the moments of crisis words are spoken which can permanently damage the relationship. We are not actors who memorize their lines and move on to the next scene after the harsh words are spoken and forgotten. Our subconscious retains the negative slurs and our relationships are diminished.

The drama this summer in the American Congress is a perfect example of a real life crisis getting out of control. There was so much slanderous language engaged in, so many statements taken out of context then repeated as if they were facts, that I believe the reputations of politicians of every stripe have reached new lows. The swamping of congressional member's email and phone lines by an outraged populous seemed to go unnoticed and that is the real tragedy because "we the people" are not being heard.

Have you reached that point in your marriage were you feel like you are not being heard? That every statement, regardless of how innocuous, turns into the next battle? Do you feel like you are married to the arch enemy? Why is it that if you are a Republican you believe there is not one good idea a Democrat can have, and if you are a Democrat you believe there is not one good idea a Republican can have? In your marriage do you have the same impossible divide, or are you so tired of fighting that you do not even bother anymore?

Why am I comparing politics and marriage, because they have the identical problem. When you feel like you are not being heard you are right, but it is not the listener's problem. It is your inability to have a dialogue with your spouse or your constituents in a language they want to listen to so you can be heard.

In a marriage the language you need to use is Loving On Purpose. Remember when you were dating and you hung on every word your spouse said and they could not wait to hear your response? Do you remember when just listening to each other breathe was all your heart needed to over flow with the feeling of love? That is what happens when you Love On Purpose, you give yourself completely and unconditional to the other and they respond in kind, they hear you.

In politics it is the same thing. President Obama was swept into power because he offered hope instead of fear. He clearly outlined all of the policies he wanted to implement and the majority of people voted for him any way. Interestingly many of the people who voted had never voted or rarely voted before.  He was heard because he reached out in a language people responded to.