Dear Dennis "Q&A"
Dear Dennis:
Q - Hi Dennis
I am wondering if you can help me resolve some self inflicted turmoil I am going through in my life.
I am married to a wonderful man who loves me, and I know that. I love him too. It is a second marriage ( my first one was long term, we were together 20 years - but since teens and simply grew apart - different interests, not much in common other than our three kids, still amicable). We have been married since 2004.
I met up with some old school friends recently as we are having a reunion, and I immediately "clicked " with someone I had known for many years but was never friends with during school. I always thought he was nice. We chatted a lot online, then called and laughed and reminisced. It started to become more of a WOW - there is something about you that is so much more appealing than I ever knew.
From there we went to phone calls and we met. We mutually began to develop feelings for each other and at the same time, became liars and deceitful about our meetings because we knew they were wrong morally.
We took things to a sexual nature and I am not proud that I wanted to see more and more of him.
This had gone on for about 2 months and throughout it, I had periods of self loathing for what I was doing to my husband. I kept justifying it by thinking "but I am falling in love with him and I love them both."
I am not fooling myself. I am cheating and I am cheating on a man that doesnt deserve it. Secondly, I am the one who has tried to keep this going even after my friend expressed that he was having difficulty living a double life and that he couldn't live giving less than half of himself to his wife and to me.
He also loves his wife and let me know that she is remarkable.
However, here we are and I still want him and he still lets me know that he "loves" me back and second guesses about what to do all the time.
I know that I am behaving in a way that is selfish and is unfair to my husband.
I don't understand WHY I keep doing this! I think I love them both, but can I really? If the shoe was on the other foot I would be devastated.
I need to get some clear perspective here because I am struggling. Can you help?
Dear Confused:
A - At my Dad's memorial service there were 400 people. He died at age 80 so it was not like he was the first to go. Most of the people there had experienced my Dad as a minister and counselor. He often said he was not sure why people came to him, because he felt he was a slow thinker and by the time he had figured out what to say, the folks he was listening to, had figured out the right answer themselves by communicating with each other and understanding their own behavior. I feel like you have done that. What you have done is wrong, you admit that. Continuing on is wrong, you admit that. The other individual participating with you, feels the same way and neither one of you wants to hurt your spouses, so you both should stop. You admit to that.
So what is the dilema? You can stop.
Most of the time we are measured, if only by ourselves, by what we say no to - not by what we say yes to. You need to exercise some disciple, self control and stop this destructive behaviour. Then when you have stopped you need to ask yourself what was missing in your marriage that allowed you to carry on this way. There was something you "found" in this new romance that was lacking in your marriage or you would not have cheated, your word - not mine. If I look at the bigger picture I would suggest you may be the problem.
To describe your first marriage as long term is inappropriate. After 20 years and kids being older, you were just ready to embark on the good times. You were just at the beginning. Long term is 50 years. Now you are starting a new relationship and your current marriage is only 6 years old. I think you need to ask yourself these questions. How long will your next marriage last? What does love mean to you? What does being married mean to you? Love is not what you get out of a marriage, love is what you give to a marriage.
You will only feel more love when you give love away, and the more you give the more you have to give. Love is not what you find in the arms of a man who would cheat on his wife for you, trust me he is cheating for his reasons - not yours. Love is found when your husband is so sick, he cannot stand the pain and you comfort him in every way possible with out regard to your own health. Love is when a special rainbow randomly appears and you think this could only be better if he was with me to see and share this moment.
Love is when you are tempted by another and you think no, "I have the man I love and there is no other person I want to be with and the feeling passes." Love is not comparing your husband to anyone - ever. You have made your second choice for a husband and from everything you have said, he is a keeper! Stop cheating, and start keeping! Focus all your energy on him and never tell him about the affair. This is your cross and you must carry it, telling him will not improve your marriage, but loving him on purpose instead of satisfying yourself definitely will.
Response from Confused
Thank you.
I am going to say NO starting right now! I do love my husband and I dont want to be that cheater anymore.
I appreciate that somehow you made me feel responsible and empowered.
An hour "here or there" of feeling something exhilirating is not worth trading in a lifetime with a wonderful partner that I know loves me, I love and I can count on.
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Dear Dennis:
Q - I often feel unloved in my marriage. My husband is very much the "strong silent type". However, he was very expressive when he was pursuing me. I find it very difficult to discern when I am being clingy with unrealistic expectations and when he is being neglectful. He does not beat me or cheat on me but I often feel ignored by him. How can I tell who is in the wrong?
Dear Neglected:
A - Thanks for writing. First, let me suggest that neither of you are wrong and neither of you are right. You have arrived in a place where many marriages land. When most men are pursuing the love of their lives the quest is similar to chasing the Holy Grail. Once we capture the prize, we put it on a pedestal and admire it and we think it (you) will never change. Surprise! What we men fail to realize is that if we keep following you as you change like we did when we were trying to attract you in the first place, we would continue on our quest and both would be much happier. In my book I talk about games and how important they are for men, so suggestion number one is to put some fun back into your marriage by being different. Do something he does not expect and watch his reaction. You mentioned he had changed. Is it possible you have changed since you were dating? What did you talk about that he found so fascinating and what do you talk about now? Do you feel you were clingy then, if not - then why now? My wife and I went to a counsellor. What we found out was we had stopped talking to each other and being interested in each other because the kids were always there. Once we reconnected we never looked back. Sometimes it takes that third person in the room to facilitate the conversation and get your marriage out of neutral and back to desire.
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Dear Dennis:
Q - I have been with a wonderful and beautiful woman for one year. She has a 12 year old daughter and 15 year old son. I have no children.
Recently, she has been asking me to be more of father figure to her children, and I'm not comfortable in that role. Their biological father is still interactive with them.
This situation is causing friction in our relationship. Our time alone is great but our time with her children is highly stressful. Her children treat me nicely but indifferently. Unstandably so.
How do I make it clear to her that I am not interested in being "a Dad" but yet a friend to her children without damaging the intimacy of my relationship with their mother.
Dear Role Model:
A - This question has a few different and conflicting layers. You, never having had children makes it emotionally impossible for you to understand the depth of feelings parents and particularly mothers have for their children. So for her to want you to be part of her parenting is very normal. I have always thought we should look harder after birth for the operator's manual, children would be so much easier to raise if we had some directions. The fact that she wants you to be more involved is a sign that she feels you are or have become a permanent partner and helping with her children is part of the package. It does not matter how old the children are, her death will be the only time there is separation, so if you think this part of the package goes away, you are mistaken.
However it is unreasonable for her to think the children will see you as anything other than her friend, particularly if their bio father is involved. The children are also going to hold you at a distance until they understand there is permanence in your relationship with their mother. This might explain some of the stress you feel when you are all together.
Another layer of complexity is the children are coming into their own heightened sense of sexuality and their mother, who so far is a paragon of virtue, in their eyes, is sleeping with some dude who is not their Dad. So how are they going to perceive relationships and sex? It is very confusing.
Since we have at least 7 conflicting layers here are my suggestions, and in this order. 1) You both need to have a conversation about the permanence of this relationship and get going or end it. 2) You need to accept the role of participating in her parenting with a clear understanding between the two of you of the boundaries. 3) If you are committed then I think you need to meet with the children's father to tell him you are there to help and be a positive influence, not to be in competition with him. 4) The children are learning from your relationship with their mother, ask yourself if the learning is what they should be learning.
Your intimacy with this woman has too be about all of her not just the fun stuff. If you can not risk talking about this with her now what is the basis of the relationship?
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Dear Dennis:
Q - I am a 46 year old woman, who lives with my partner who is 51 of 8 years. I was married before and he was married twice before.
We don't have children together but have his children (a boy 12 and a girl 10) stay with us on a regular basis. In addition to working fulltime, I have assumed the role of "wife" (without the ring or committment) and "stepmother." I do the laundry, make lunches and care for the children while he plays hockey and I feel I satisfy all that is involved being a loving and loyal companion.
Companion is the key word.
Even though I fulfill all of my duties and contribute financially to the household, yet he continues to avoid any discussion on marriage and convulses when I bring it up.
I love his children (I don't have my own) like my own and make every effort to make a safe and loving home for all of us. Lately though I have been feeling like nothing more than a nanny and housekeeper.
I do want to be married and I just don't know what to do anymore or how to even talk to him about it.
What should I do?
Dear Companion:
A - Why would you want to marry him? What in your life is going to change if you have the ceremony, exchange rings and vows, and change your name? You have 8 years of what your future is going to be like and you do not like parts of it, for example the division of labour, so tell me what is going to change by forcing him to marry you? What do his ex wives say about why their marriages to him ended? If you have answered those questions and come to the same conclusion that i have there is still more to consider. Do you want to be married to be married? Does marriage give you some kind of feeling of security you can not attain by being in a committed relationship? I think guys created this whole concept of living together so they can get everything their mother provided plus sex without the commitment. Ladies bought into this whole sham because all of you think you are going to heal us and change us. My advice for all women is simple. Do not move in until a ring appears and a date is set. Dear Companion, one more question. Would he still be dating you after 8 years if you had not moved in?
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Dear Dennis:
Q - I have been with my girlfriend for a while now.
We share beautiful time together full of laughter and full of fun. I have one area that does cause me concern.
After a day of joy with my beloved (obviously we share time together on an intimate level) she will go silent and begin crying.
When I ask her why and what is wrong, her response is "these are tears of joy they aren't tears of sadness." This happens every single time we are intimate with each other and it's driving me crazy. She cries constantly and it is really getting to me. She is almost 50 years old and I'm well aware that it could be hormonal. I have been researching menopause and its affect on women in an attempt to be better understanding.
How do I handle this without creating more problems (or worse, more tears). I'm just about at my wits end.
Dear Tears of Joy:
A - Every guy in the world would like to say he could master the art of bringing his woman to tears of joy, and you are complaining? You should write a book! But seriously, I think you are on to something when you address the hormonal changes at her age. I am not an expert on that, but the fact that you are making the effort says a lot about how much you value the relationship. It makes perfect sense. There may have been some bad experience in the past that makes this moment very special and you and your approach are what she needs. What I also find interesting, is why this seems to bother you so much? If she continues to want this level of intimacy even though it provokes the tears, what is wrong with a cuddle afterwards?
